a letter...

...dedicated to no one in particular, but nevertheless purported to some.

underneath your laughs and smiles lies a whole lot deeper demeanor. i have to admit, at first, i was awed at your seemingly blissful and corroborative actions. you had me at hello, as they say. and i fell for it. it was you who thrusted me up into where i am now, and i owe you in part of what you did. what lay ahead were happy and carefree smiles, smudged with the endeavor that we would, as i hoped, BE. anyhow, i, then, was really thankful because it is not always everyday that i get to encounter such of your kind. the camaraderie we shared was ensnared with hopeful dreams of idealistic togetherness. things were really going my way, and i was beginning to wonder if this was too good to be true.

well, my instincts proved me right.

excessiveness is unwarranted. you ironically went past and failed to meet my prerogatives. what i expected you to elaborate and perform well on unimpressed me. it was surprised at how subtly good you were at concealing your errors. it may seem to discriminating, but i really, at one time, came to loathe why you were brought up to me in the first place. many people perceive the fake you: the one they think is competent enough to battle life's labyrinths without ever dropping a sweat. of course, you could say you're only human, but that would never be a sufficient reason as to why you are in that superficial state.i saw in you what others didn't. your ERROR. fear crept up inside me once i found out how trivial you are.

what's even more sarcastic though, is that you traversed the supposed levels of aquaintance. it was all too much unexpected that i could not help but shiver as you continually forced what you have wanted into my system. gradually, i melted into thoughtlessness, not knowing what to do. i just let it pass by, with numbness all over me.

you try to be omniscient when you know i am better than you. your being is ineffectual enough not to grasp that thought. trying to show me what professionalism it is you have done, you divulge yourself in a level low enough for others to tramp on. question, were you even the one responsible for those things? don't try to be too overassuming because you already are a mess, and it pains me to know that you don't know it. before you try to take hold of other people's lives and unintelligently point out their mistakes, try to look at your own life first, ok? or else, you'll forever be like that: WORTHLESS.

i cannot believe at how insensitive you are, underestimating all the years that we have shared. i have to admit, i may be unaware of how you felt during the past moments, but it did not pave enough way for me to disassociate you into my life. you were, and still are a part of who i am. it was my fault, for most times, and i am willing to redeem myself for whatever transgressions i have done. but not in a way that happened. i expected to hurt, and be hurt. but it proved otherwise. i felt the weight of the world during those times of fragility, with yours beared by me as well. angered by the sudden outcome, i could only sigh of both relief and inconsideration, with more on the latter. the ambiguity bleaked into my rational thinking because what i have been wanting for so long to do to you suddenly went down the drain the moment you showed you rudely capable you are of ignorance.

maybe this is the aftermath of being so rudely obsolete to your wants and needs for god knows when. a tinge of understanding is all i ask, but i failed to do the same to you. i hope that our last pledge, at least, would give me comfort in knowing that we still are on each other's sides, though the intimacy is not that intense. promises are made to be broken, but some, still, are worthy enough to be kept with the utmost sincerity.

now, i feel despair and melancholy, not knowing what to do, not knowing who to believe. i never really thought that after that, much speculation would arise, which i did not dare delve much on. enveloped by too much information and conflict, i barely have the time to ponder on how things are, and how they would be. still, i am in bewilderment. to put it simply, i just hope that whatever you utter is true, and not just some chronic front you put up just so that you could please, moreover, LIE to me. don't let other people into this, for they are in no place to. some could be disparaging enough to cloud you with their inattentive, short-sighted beliefs that you may not anymore have the time to stand on your own two feet. why cannot you believe me? is it because this all came too unexpectedly? within me lies an honest intention, i assure you. i am slowly trying to cope up with the present, and the least i could ask of you is to help me. help me revive that feeling wherein i felt so tranquil at your presence, without worrying over if you're being deceitful or not.

i am starting anew, trying to have a fresh, fervent outlook on tomorrow. wanting everything to be ok, i am cleaning up and mending what's left of me to endow myself a stronger base which cannot be easily staggered nor swayed by whatever hideous comments insolent outsiders lash at me. i am trying to believe that though the truth hurts, it would hurt more if i don't accept it.

i am.



*****
this is one of my vaguest works yet. waa! my writing style's so poor, it's going down the drain! haha. anyhow, i just needed an outlet to vent out my thoughts. :)


enjoy. ang tamaan, e di tamaan. :)